Omdahl: Campaigns drive committee to prayer
“Oh Lord! I’ve been praying like never before,” Gerda Erfald announced as she stumbled into a special meeting of the Community Homeland Security Committee gathering in the historic Bohemian hall.
“Have you been praying about the presidential campaign?” queried Holger Danske as he muscled into the seat between Einar Torvald and Dorsey Crank.
“No, that is beyond prayer,” she replied. “I am just asking the Lord to give me gas money to Canada.”
“Don’t fret. The good book says that the Lord picks presidents,” taunted Orville Jordan. He blamed God for letting the Soo Line close the depot and force him into early retirement 20 years ago.
“Don’t lay this election on God,” she shot back. “This must be the Devil’s doing. Three hundred million people and we end up with two turkeys. We could have done better with a random choice of the Bismarck phone book.”
Little Jimmy said he hung on to the slim hope that Hillary and Donald would come armed to the next debate, end up in a duel, fatally shoot each other and then voters would choose between Pence and Kaine.
“I heard over in the Empty Drum Bar, Grill & Convenience Store that Manitoba was building a wall along the North Dakota border to keep the undesirables out and they’re going to make North Dakota pay for it,” Dorsey reported.
“How are they going to decide who the undesirables are?” asked Orville.
“I spose they will have a big candling machine to detect the bad eggs,” offered Old Sievert who spent much of his childhood in the kitchen doing exactly that.
“Well, there’s a lot of Canada. If Manitoba has a wall, I’ll cross the border at Saskatchewan,” Gerda strategized. “I doubt they’ll be running the candling machine at Fortuna at midnight.”
“Well, I’m not votin’ this time,” Old Sievert declared. “I don’t want to face St. Peter knowing that I was guilty of conspiracy by electing either one of these losers.”
“This election will mostly be decided by whose likely supporters stay home the most,” Little Jimmy deduced. That had a few electors scratching their heads.
“Look at the bright side,” Chief Alert Officer Garvey Erfald noted. “If either one of ’em gets elected, the country is going to need experienced security people. That’s us. “
“With the election only days away,” he continued. “I’ve already got the red alert flag flying on Streetlight No.1 and I have five more ready for the rest of the street lights if needed.”
“There was a time when all we had to fear was fear itself,” Holger recollected. “Now we have to fear presidential candidates besides.”
“This will be a year that will go down in infamy,” Little Jimmy added dramatically. He was now enrolled in history as his eighth online major since his folks joined the Klondike gold rush.
“Maybe the best choice is Hilliary,” Gerda suggested. ” Of the two, she should have a good hand of cards on foreign policy”
“She may have the cards but she plays them backwards,” Old Sievert grumbled. “Maybe she won’t even play the cards she’s dealt.”
“But Donald would probably order the Arizona National Guard to fight Mexico if they don’t pay for his wall,” countered Holger.
“We’re in a sorry state,” Old Sievert sighed. “The most awful presidential candidates in history, the Twins’ worst baseball season ever and Kelly’s goat ate my carrots. This year sure makes dying look attractive.”
Chairperson Ork Dorken finally broke his silence. “Let’s go sit in sackcloth and ashes on cemetery hill and pray that the least worst wins.”
So they did. It was one last desperate act.
Omdahl is a former lieutenant governor and former political science professor at UND.
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