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‘White Supremes’ endanger community ‘Heritage House’

By Staff | Oct 4, 2013

“Meeting again!” grumbled Holger Danske who interrupted his sauerkraut processing to attend this crisis meeting of the Homeland Security Committee. He had a fabulous cabbage crop and wanted to get it in the 20-gallon crocks while it was still fresh.

Other town electors echoed Holger’s angst as they trekked into the community hall in the middle of garden cleanup.

Chairperson Ork Dorken rapped his Coke bottle for attention. The murmuring stopped.

“This meeting was called for Old Sievert,” Garvey started. “You know that over 300 people protested the takeover of that small town by those white supremes.”

“So!?” snorted Einar Stamstead.

“So this whole ruckus has given the health people a reason to condemn the supreme leader’s house because he doesn’t have sewer and water,” Garvey continued. “And they’re shutting down his outhouse because it’s illegal.”

“This brings to mind a saying from Montana,” offered Madeleine Morgan. “When they outlaw outhouses, only outlaws will have outhouses.”

“Well, my outhouse is part of the heritage of this town built in 1889 – the best outhouse since the 3-holer at the depot burned when the railroad crew forgot the fire while playing poker in the coal shed,” Old Sievert explained. “That made my outhouse the last of real prairie heritage in this part of North Dakota.”

“That’ll be the end of gardening for me,” exclaimed Einar Torvald. “I just can’t be running through my house every time nature calls. My bowels need that rest area next door at Old Sievert’s.

“We all know how government operates,” observed Orville as he shifted his green eyeshade. “When something happens, everybody pays and you can bet that they will be investigating every small town to shut down outhouses all across the state. We will need to do something to protect Sievert’s outhouse.”

“What can we do?” asked Holger Danske. “The law is the law.”

“I got it! Let’s get Sievert’s outhouse put on the National Registry of Historical Sites,” proposed Madeleine. “Once it is on the National Registry, it can’t be touched.”

“What does it take to be a national site?” asked Dorsey Crankski.

“Some historic connection,” Madeleine answered. “Claim it was built on the day the state constitution was adopted. And another thing. It could be put on on one of those tourists’ itineraries for historic sites and start a new tourist business for us, with top billing for Sievert’s Heritage House.”

“What if I could prove that George Washington sat in it?” asked Sievert.

“It would be easier to prove that Jimmy Hoffa was buried in the second hole,” scoffed Orville.

“It looks like we have to stand our ground and protect our God-given right to outhouses,” Sievert concluded belligerently.

“What God-given right is involved in outhouses?” asked Madeleine.

“Throw God in there and it changes the whole discussion,” Little Jimmy observed. “A God-given right cannot be challenged by law or logic.”

“But what God-given right could we claim for Sievert’s outhouse?” asked Josh.

“The God-given right of privacy,” Sievert responded firmly. “If the privacy argument works for same-sex marriage, cohabitation, homosexuality it should work for outhouses where it is badly needed.”

“I say we adjourn to the village green to defend our rights and flush out the opposition,” Josh joked as he rose to underline his suggestion.

Thinking the meeting was over, everyone except Ork got up to leave.

“Another meeting down the toilet,” he muttered as the last elector slammed the door.

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