I’ll admit that I watch cooking shows sometimes. Sometimes people will try to fuse different kinds of cuisine together, like Tex-Mex or maybe something more outlandish like Japanese & Creole, and the results may be superb, or at least edible. But there are some mergers that should never be, and for a number of reasons. (Some foods are better off alone.) Things like:

The Ramen Burger: Yes that’s right, the ramen burger. It’s basically a ground beef patty on a bun made from ramen noodles-the stereotypical food that all poor college kids eat. (Not all of them eat ramen. I, for example, never touched it.) Just the sound of it will make you want to chug water, because it seems like a case of hypernatremia just waiting to happen. You’ve got ramen noodles that are fried and congealed together, a patty, and some form of sauce. There’s gotta be a lot of sodium in there.

Bacon Vodka: Bacon is delicious. If there’s a reason I’m fat, besides the fact that I don’t exercise as much as I should, it’s gotta be because I love bacon. Vodka needs some help in the taste department, which is why flavored vodka has become all the rage. (And why it’s still an alcoholic beverage that needs to be mixed.) But the problem when you flavor anything with bacon is that too much of it could be consumed, and I don’t think I want to imagine a hangover from bacon-flavored vodka. But this brings up an interesting point. Even sodas are trying to get in on the food-flavored drink game. I heard of a turkey and gravy flavored soda. Sounds gross, doesn’t it? (Heads up, it is.)

The Pop Tart & Ice Cream Sandwich: Vanilla ice cream is boring. Despite it’s appearance, breakfast pastries (a/k/a “pop tarts”) are kind of boring too, just not as boring as vanilla ice cream. I know, let’s combine them together. Okay, why? You’re putting together something that tastes best hot with something that tastes best cold (like subarctic temperature cold). The only way to serve it would be cold, because it would just be a mess if served hot. And who really wants to eat a frozen pop tart?

The French Fry Burger: This one is on the list not because it sounds like an awful combination (it isn’t), but because it seems like a quick way to make a buck. Burger king is selling the French Fry Burger for $1 at its franchises. It’s pretty self-explanatory: a burger topped with lettuce, mayo, ketchup and french fries. Any young person reading this will probably say: “Hey Bryce, why all the hater-rade?” Because Burger King’s trying to make money off of something that some people have already been doing, and have been doing for years. Unlike the aforementioned items, it is not an original concept.