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Knotty problems require creative thinking

By Staff | Apr 5, 2013

In case you haven’t noticed, Congress and the State Legislature are meeting at the same time. That is considered by the Tea Party to be double jeopardy.

While we hear much oratory about problems, we see limited accomplishment, primarily because the proposed solutions have been too conventional. There are quick solutions to knotty problems if we are willing to think creatively.

Illegal Immigration: This issue has been stalled for at least 20 years and the problem has grown. Politicians haven’t been able to solve this problem because they have a vested interest in any solution, most importantly how legalization would affect their re-election.

This is definitely a problem that could be solved by the right people the Indians. After all, they have had the most experience with unregulated immigration and could quickly decide who should be permitted to stay and who should leave.

Same-Sex Marriage: The trend toward legalization of same-sex marriage appears to be unstoppable. Everyone should be told that the legal grounds for same-sex marriage is the same as for polygamy. That truth will scare everybody straight.

Age of the Earth: In 1650, Archbishop James Usher calculated that God created the earth in 4004 B.C. A few years later, John Lightfoot calculated that it occurred at 9 a.m. October 23.

The other day, scientists admitted that they had been incorrectly computing the age of the earth. It is really 13.8 billion years old, 100 million more than had been previously calculated. So Archbishop Usher was correct, give or take 13.8 billion years.

The age of the earth is important because we need to know if it is worth salvaging.

Faithless Clergy: Ten pastors in Williston have destroyed our national motto: “In God We Trust.” They want more guns and less trust. There will be fewer messages about faith in God in Williston. Who needs faith when you can parade around the altar with a .45 Colt on your hip?

The fallacy in this suggestion is that killers with a yen to attack a congregation would shoot the pastor first because they will know he’s armed.

Balancing the Budget: Explaining why he robbed banks, Willie Sutton said because “that’s where the money is.” Well, the Cayman Islands are where all of the patriotic American tax dodgers have their money stashed. We need to commission a band of Cubans to capture the Islands and take the money as a prize of war.

Curbing Medicare: This is the most difficult problem. As Alison Krauss sings, “even though everybody wants to go to heaven, nobody wants to die.” We need to dramatize the grandeur of heaven so folks on the edge will let go when they no longer know where on earth they are.

Cutting Cost of Government: Two-house legislatures are a waste of time and money. Nebraska has been surviving with a one-house legislature since 1937. So we know it works. Activities in Bismarck over the past couple of months prove that the two-house legislature wastes too much time on frivolous bills, i.e. legalizing bottle rockets. One house could be just as frivolous for less money.

Global Warming: Deny it until we start getting lobsters out of the water already broiled.

One-Party System: There are more Lions in the Legislature than Democrats. If the Democrats aren’t careful, the Lions may get recognition as the second party in North Dakota elections.

Saturday Mail Delivery: Bring back the Pony Express.

Higher Education: Some legislators would like to lower it by combining it with kindergarten. The kids don’t want it. It should be paroled to the Department of Corrections.

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