homepage logo

Homeland Committee goes for Merry Christmas

By Staff | Dec 17, 2010

“Holy smoke!” exclaimed Einar Stamstead as the last of the Community Homeland Security Committee filed into the chilly Western Bohemian Lodge hall, barely warmed by one vintage wood-burning stove installed in 1913 by the original owners. “We haven’t done one official thing to get this town decorated for Christmas.”

“We can’t do anything,” responded Madeleine Morgan. “We’re the government and the government can’t do Christmas.”

“We’re the government?” declared Einar Torvald in disbelief. “Who says we’re the government?”

Einar was in shock. He had gone all the way to Bunker Township for a Tea Party rally to protest against the government. Now he was it.

“We’ve been appointed by Acting Mayor Orson,” interjected Little Jimmy, the only juvenile in town. “That makes us government.” Jimmy was going to college online whenever he felt like it.

Josh Dvorchak rebelled. “Nobody knows we’re the government so we can do what we like and I say we put a Christmas tree in the town square with a lighted sign wishing everybody a Merry Christmas.”

“But we don’t have a town square,” noted Orville Jordan. “All we got is that empty county lot next to the livery stable.”

“But government can’t do Merry Christmas,” Madeleine insisted. “It’s in the Constitution – separation of church and state. That’s what Thomas Jefferson told the Baptists. “

“Well, the government puts “In God We Trust” on money,” Einar argued. “That sounds mighty religious to me.”

“But that’s not for real,” Alert Officer Garvey Erfald explained. “If you looked at the defense budget, you’d know that.” Garvey spoke with authority on military matters. He mustered out a corporal, the highest rank in town. “That slogan counts only when we fight countries that don’t believe in God,” he added.

“Whoever put that on the money had no business speaking for everybody,” Josh complained. “Nobody asked me who I trusted and how much. I don’t think the people behind this slogan believe it, either. They wouldn’t abolish the defense budget or cut it, either.”

“Let’s get back to the Christmas tree,” Chairman Ork Dorken insisted as he rapped an old Coke bottle on the coal shovel.

“Our sign couldn’t wish everybody a Merry Christmas but it could say Happy Holidays because that’s not religious,” Madeleine suggested.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” snorted Old Sievert. “Good grief! What is Christmas all about? Christmas is religious. There wouldn’t be a Christmas at all if it hadn’t been for Jesus being born. He’s religious. Just doesn’t seem right that he can’t be included in Christmas. “

“I think it’s a jobs thing,” Garvey speculated. “By letting everybody in on Christmas, we can sell more stuff to more people and selling more stuff means more jobs.”

“Well, we might as well forget Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays,” Einar declared. “It’s too late to do anything. Christmas is here; we don’t have a tree; we don’t have a town square; the livery lot doesn’t have electricity, and we’re the government.”

“I move that we pass a resolution wishing North Dakota a Merry Christmas and adjourn,” Holger proposed. Some cheered approval. A few shouted “Merry Christmas”. They all headed for the door.

Please Enter Your Facebook App ID. Required for FB Comments. Click here for FB Comments Settings page